One simple secret that can save your relationship

Why do we focus more on maintaining our vehicles than our love relationships?  Actually, this thought ran through my mind years ago that many of us consistently spend more time making sure our vehicles work well rather than our most important relationships.  This occurred to me probably some time after transferring the money slotted for my kids’ college fund to the attorney handling my divorce and later custody dispute.  I’m saying that with a sense of humor now.  Actually, my ex-wife and I have been on good terms for a long time at this point.

But after that emotionally gut-wrenching experience, I began to learn more and more about what actually makes relationships work and not work.  One of the most important things we can do is not take our significant relationships for granted but so many of us do.  I did.

To the men out there reading this, WAKE UP!

If you have a significant love relationship (boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, spouse) and hoping to see it grow into the future, then it needs to be a priority as one of the most important aspects of your life.  Set a rule that each time you take your vehicle in for an oil change, a car wash, even just filling the tank, also check the temperature of your relationship.   Do the thorns/roses thing – what isn’t working well and what is.

Several of the couples I have coached use a relationship jar to hold their figurative thorns and roses regarding their relationship.  Each of you writes down during the day or throughout the week the things that are bothering you as well as the things that you are liking in your relationship and simply place it in the jar.  Then either daily or a time during the week you both check the jar and address (not fight) each thing in it.  Make sure you are including things that you are liking versus only frustrations or resentments.

This can become a ritual to allow you to address stuff before letting it build into resentment.  We know from John Gottman’s research on over 3000 couples, that partners who have “rituals of connection” feel more closeness and tend to have happier, more fulfilling relationships.  Here’s the trick: focus on listening and understanding each other versus moving quickly into solving whatever issues you are addressing.

Listening and understanding your partner, is not the same as agreeing.  We can feel heard, acknowledged, and understood by another even though they still may not fully agree with what we are saying.

This can be really helpful if, like me, you lead a busy life which can cause us to ignore or not deal with something.  I promise you if you let your resentments go unchecked, and continue to build they will cost you much more than forgetting to change the oil in your vehicle.

Let’s talk about this. What are some ways you’ve tried to engage your partner when you’re feeling bothered by something s/he has done? Has it worked? Or do you brush this under the rug?

Ready to bring out the best in yourself and in your relationships? Sign up for a 50-minute power coaching session and we’ll get to the heart of the problem.

Matt