How to Stop Making the Same Mistakes
“Why do I repeat the same mistakes?” Have you ever asked yourself that question? Yours might be about why you make the same mistakes in relationships over and over again. Or that bad habit you want with all your heart to break – binge eating, drinking, procrastinating, shopping – but then you find yourself, good intentions and all, right back where you started.
This came up just the other day for me. After bravely admitting that she slipped into drinking alcohol again, my client (we’ll call her Sarah – content permission given) asked me with a shaky, uncertain voice, “why do I keep repeating these things I really don’t want to be doing?”
I get why she asked me this. I’ve been there. I gave up regularly smoking years ago after continuously going back to it over and over again.
Sarah’s repeat use of alcohol, my repeat cycle with cigarettes… they are both stuck patterns. So when you find you’re going back to the same type of unhealthy relationship, for example, what’s happening is that you are in a stuck pattern.
Here are three steps to help pull you out of the stuck pattern and finally away from repeating those same mistakes:
#1. Recognize that there’s a pattern.
The fact that you’re here means that at least on some level you know you are repeating something that’s not serving you. Sarah knew it too when she came to me. What she did not quite realize was that this was a stuck pattern, and not her being a failure.
As tempting as it is, throwing your arms up and saying, “well, this is what I do. I’m just no good at this.” Or “I’ve failed in this area of my life,” is not the answer.
Once you become aware that you are in a stuck pattern, you’re set up for step two.
#2 Identify the reason you’re making the mistake in the first place.
To break through a stuck pattern, consider what primary emotional need(s) the pattern has been meeting. What need did this pattern help you meet when it first began?
There’s nothing wrong with your emotional needs. Some of these could be to relax, to feel carefree, to feel excitement, to have fun, to feel social and liked…
Just as we can have relationships with people, we also have relationships with those unhealthy things we keep going back to. Important needs are getting met through these patterns same as they are in a dating relationship or friendship.
As soon as Sarah began to see that she had a relationship with alcohol, things began to shift and she felt clearer. She began to compare her addiction with alcohol to a past relationship where she was treated horribly until she gathered the courage to leave.
The alcohol was filling Sarah’s need of comfort and relief.
You may be tempted to brush this under the rug, and think you can conquer this by having a clear goal and plan. But, the danger in not addressing the underlying reasons surrounding these patterns, is that you set yourself up for one of two things:
→ You can end up miserable while you’re in the process of giving this thing up. When it comes to addiction, we refer to this as the a “dry drunk” or “white knuckling.”
→ Or, you set yourself up for a relapse. Because this stuck pattern is the only way you have found thus far to get your need(s) met.
#3. Find positive ways to meet this need.
Now that Sarah recognized that she was using alcohol to fill this need, we worked on finding a positive way to meet the need.
To do this for yourself, create a regular weekly schedule for yourself to practice these new ways of meeting your needs.
This is a practice of being at cause versus effect.
One trick to this is to have a structure, like a regular exercise or yoga class, that holds you accountable in following through in accomplishing your need. Sarah started attending and participating in a regular yoga class.
A few months ago, at the age of 43, I began learning taekwondo to get exercise, and meet my need for community, relaxation, focus, energy, sense of purpose. If I didn’t have to go to scheduled classes that I’ve already paid for, there’s nothing to hold me accountable, and I could find a way out of it.
What is one thing you can do right now to meet your need?
When you’re in a stuck pattern, uncovering the emotional need you’re filling isn’t always easy because we are coming from our own perspective. Having a coach or therapist to guide you helps to widen your understanding and to keep you accountable.
Ready to get to the root of your stuck pattern? Come on over and schedule a FREE Discovery Call with me. You’ll discover what’s really been holding you back all these years, and how to take a giant leap forward.